A mom recently told me about her 12-year-old daughter's elementary school graduation. Her ex—the man who'd done "fuck all" (her very justifiably angry words) to help their daughter reach this milestone—got to do the parent-child dance with her.

"In the moment," she said, "it felt like an injustice that she didn't choose me. It also triggered those old fears of losing her to him."

My heart went out to her when I heard this. Because here’s what I want to tell her and every parent who experiences something like this: your daughter didn't choose him. She's doing what children need to do just to survive when their parents are apart, and one of them is a coercive controller.

The choice I made at 18

When I was in my last year of school, my mother decided to go back to her home country of Ireland, with my two younger brothers. She asked me to go back as well. I could do my university studies at the world-renowned Trinity College in Dublin.

I decided to stay. To go to university in the country I grew up in. To keep my dad company.

This was the man who'd physically abused me and my brothers. His method of discipline was to take me into the shed and make me wait there while he pulled a thin branch off the tree to hit me on my buttocks with. When I was in my early teens and I didn’t manage to do my Saturday chore of cleaning the bathroom before going to a drama rehearsal, he slapped me in the face when I got into the car after the rehearsal.

I remember him losing control once while he was hitting my brother with a switch, and the rest of us screaming at him to stop. He was also extremely emotionally abusive. He’d subject us to interminable lectures and was totally out of touch with our emotional needs. Later, I didn't speak to him for about 15 years. And he cut me out of his will when he died in 2018, even though I’d reconciled with him a few years before.

I'd also just found out, around my 18th birthday, that he was my adoptive father (my brothers were my half-brothers). I knew nothing about the circumstances. When I learned this, I didn't even ask who my biological father was. My mom had met my dad and married him after I was born, and he'd adopted me.

Looking back, I think a big part of me felt bad for him. I didn't want him to be left there alone.

Why children side with the abuser

I often think about that choice when women tell me how it breaks their hearts that their children seem to align with their abusive ex. Because I get it now in a way I didn't then.

Children don't choose the abusive parent because that parent is better or more deserving. They align with them because:

They're trying to manage the most dangerous relationship in their world. Your child isn't choosing your ex over you. They're trying to survive the chaos that person creates. They've learned that keeping that parent calm and happy means everyone's safer.

They've been taught that love means managing someone else's emotions. In households with abusive dynamics, children often become little emotional managers. They learn to read moods, anticipate needs, and shape themselves around the most volatile person in the room.

They're protecting themselves from disappointment. The consistent, loving parent (that's you) feels safer to push against. Your child knows you'll still be there even if they test your boundaries or let you down. With the abusive parent, they can't risk doing that.

They don't have the language for what they're experiencing. 18-year-old me didn't know words like "trauma bonding" or "emotional manipulation." I just knew that leaving my dad alone felt wrong to me, and I felt a kind of obligation to be there for him.

The long game matters in your relationship with your child

Here's what I want to tell that mom and every parent who feels the same way when it feels like their child is choosing their abusive ex over them:

Your child's apparent alignment with your ex isn't the end of the story. It's a chapter in a much longer book.

The safety, consistency, and unconditional love you provide create a foundation they'll return to when they're ready. Maybe not at 12, maybe not at 18, but when their brain develops enough to process what really happened.

My relationship with my adoptive father was complicated and painful, right up to the end. But my relationship with my mother, who consistently chose my well-being over her own comfort, has stayed strong. Even though we’ve lived on different continents most of my adult life, she visited us at least once, and some years as much as three times, a year. Except during the pandemic, but then we called each other every single day.

What you can do right now

Don't compete
Your job isn't to be the "better" parent or to point out your ex's failings. Your job is to be the steady ground your child can return to.

Document everything
Not to punish your ex, but to protect your child. Keep records of concerning behaviors or conversations, especially if your child shares troubling things your ex has said or done.

Get whatever support for your child you can
A therapist trained in high-conflict divorces can help your child process what they're experiencing without asking them to choose sides.

Remember the long view
The graduation dance stings, but it's not the measure of your relationship with your child. The measure is in the daily moments of safety, consistency, and unconditional love you provide.

Take care of yourself
You can't pour from an empty cup. Get therapy, lean on friends who understand, and remember that your healing matters too.

Creating a foundation

That 12-year-old who danced with her father at graduation? She's not lost to you. She's just in an impossible situation with the emotional tools of a child.

One day, when she's older and safer, she'll understand what you sacrificed to protect her. She'll recognize the difference between the parent who was consistent and gave and the one who was convenient and just took.

And she'll know that your love for her was the kind that didn't demand performance or perfection. It was, and is, unconditional.

That's the gift you're giving her every single day, even when it doesn't feel like enough. Especially when it doesn't feel like enough.

Your love is building the foundation she'll stand on for the rest of her life.

Book a 30-minute personalized consultation, free of charge, with me, where you'll have the chance to:

• Share the specific challenges you're facing with your ex

• Get clarity on the outcomes you truly want for yourself and your children

• Identify the obstacles that have been preventing you from parenting with confidence

• Discover how my coaching approach can specifically help you in your unique situation

You'll walk away with greater clarity and direction than when you started. This conversation can be the first step toward taking charge of your relationship with your child instead of having your ex pull everyone’s strings.

Want to know how I can help you?

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Resources

If you’re feeling helpless as you see your child being weaponized and manipulated by their other parent and you’re not already following Dr. Christine Cocchiola across her various social media platforms, you need to remedy that. As a child development expert AND a mother who was in that situation herself, she knows all the pitfalls and also how to look out for them and avoid them, or at least minimize the damage they cause.

Here’s Dr. Christine’s linktree, where you can access her various resources, including her recent Tedx talk. And she’s hosting a 1-hour webinar on Tuesday, July 29th @ 1:00 pm on Coercive Control: Institutional Betrayal. If you’re interested in attending, visit her website and sign up for her newsletter. The best way to do this is by downloading one of her resources and ticking the box that says “I would like to receive future communications.”