“What are you doing for Mothers’ Day?” said the first young woman.
I was standing behind them as we waited to order coffee. I pretended to be focused on my phone, but my ears perked up, keen to hear what treats they had in store for their moms.
“I don’t know,” the second woman said, “My parents are doing lunch for my grandma.”
“Hmm,” replied the first one. “I think I’ll get my mom a gift card.”
I did an internal eyeroll at these two disengaged offspring and their lack of interest in what was arguably the most important day of the year for their moms. And here it was, in a nutshell. What I’d been seeing in so many vents on Facebook groups, right in front of me in a Starbucks lineup.
Moms expected to perform labour on Mothers’ Day for their mothers-in-law. Kids doing the bare minimum for Mothers’ Day, because that’s what they’ve seen their dads doing as they were growing up. Kids literally phoning in Mothers’ Day, if they acknowledged it at all.
And that’s just in the “regular” families. Mothers’ Day is a microcosm of how women are treated as mothers. If you’ve got a coercive controller for an ex, Mothers’ Day takes on a whole other shape. This is what it looks like:
He took the Mothers’ Day cards the kids brought home from school (Mothers’ Day fell on his weekend but he still had them the Friday and Saturday), crossed out their mom’s name, put his new partner’s name instead, and made the kids give his partner the cards.
He made a false report to the child protection authorities right before Mothers’ Day and told her that they’d said the child had to stay with him till they investigated.
He coached their teens to minimize the day, saying ”It’s commercial,” and rewarded them with extra screen time when they ignored her calls.
After the breakup, he posted edited photos and a big “Happy Mother’s Day” shout-out to her mother-in-law only; their children saw it first and assumed she wasn’t worth mentioning.
He scheduled an extended family brunch at the same hour she’d planned a small celebration, so the kids couldn’t attend both; when she rescheduled, he accused her of manipulation.
He used contact exchanges to delay gifts, claiming they were “lost in transit” or “forgotten”, then showed the kids the receipts to prove he’d done more.
Often, it’s not one dramatic act. It’s year after year of small destructions, until just seeing the words “Mothers’ Day” makes you want to hide yourself away from the world. I’m thinking here of those of you for whom Mothers’ Day is a trauma anniversary because your ex couldn’t stand you being the center of attention when you were together and ruined every Mothers’ Day in big ways and small.
My ex didn't ruin Mothers’ Day (at least not specifically). He just absented himself from it entirely. He was one of those men who, very conveniently for him, rebelled against the “commercial” aspect of Mother’s Day. I think, just like, after the birth of our eldest son, he changed one diaper and then expected me to change the rest, he put the responsibility on me for managing my own Mothers’ Day.
In a way, he handed me a gift there. His laziness freed me from relying on him to make it a truly happy day. So, I made it clear, as my kids were growing up, what my expectations were. And they rose to them, usually in the most imperfect way possible.
They’d make me breakfast. The only one I can remember clearly is when my daughter made strawberry and nutella filled French toast sprinkled with powdered sugar. When I bit into it, I realized she’d accidentally used baking soda instead of powdered sugar. We still laugh about that. But I’m sure I wouldn’t remember her beautiful Mothers’ Day breakfast if it weren’t for that mistake.
If your children are still young, you’ve got a golden opportunity to shape Mothers’ Day the way you want it to be celebrated as they get older. If you’re still with a partner who makes the day about himself or you’re separated and he blocks you from spending time with your children on this day, it’s not too late to celebrate. You can quietly shift it to another day, and create new traditions your children can sustain by themselves.
Whatever your children’s age, it’s never too late to reclaim Mothers’ Day. My four children are all adults now, and this year, one of them was working on Mother’s Day. Another one was unwell. So, my daughter took me shoe shopping in the morning, and then I went out for burgers and Scrabble with my middle son in the evening.
I went out to lunch with my eldest son on Tuesday. My youngest son is taking me thrifting sometime this week or next week, when we’re both free. A celebration doesn’t have to happen on the day itself. Just like I’m having “Mother’s Week”—actually, “Mother’s Two Weeks”—you can celebrate on any day that suits you, in any way you want. You can celebrate yourself, alone or with friends, if necessary.
Mothers’ Day means exactly what you decide it means.
Want to know how I can help you?
It’s been quite the week for court judgments. A few of my clients were in court recently and received judgments in their cases this last week. It’s not the end of the road for them. The struggle to protect their children, and themselves, is ongoing.
But the strategic thinking they've developed has changed how they show up in court. They’ve learned to detach, to be analytical instead of reactive, to save their bandwidth for what really matters. They've handed their lawyers, and in some cases, the judge, documentation that strengthens their case and demonstrates their ex’s lack of credibility. And when it felt hopeless, they've been able to cut through the fog, and they’ve found the strength to move forward anyway.
If you want a taste of how coaching can help in your situation, you can book a free, 30-minute consultation with me. Even if you don’t decide to go for coaching (I don’t believe in hard sells) you’ll get some clarity on your situation and you’ll come away with a bunch of free tools you can use right away.
Want to know more about what I do?
Did someone forward this to you?
Resources
If Mothers’ Day was tough this year, these two exercises won’t fix that. But they’ll help you do something useful with it. The first one helps you to take stock of what you actually did, and the second one helps you turn what happened into a strategy.
Track what you actually did
When Mothers’ Day is hard, it’s easy to remember only what went wrong or what was missing. This exercise pushes back on that. You’ll have to think back to Mothers’ Day for this one, but it’s worth doing every day.
At the end of the day, or any day, write down three things: one effort you made, one success, however small, one sign of progress. This isn’t a trite gratitude list. It’s evidence for you to look back and see that you showed up. You managed something. You moved something forward, which counts, even when the day was a write-off.
Review it like a strategist, not a victim
After a difficult Mothers’ Day, or any difficult event, run a quick After Action Review. Ask yourself these three questions:
What happened? Stick to facts. What actually occurred, not what it meant or how it felt.
So what? What does this tell you, about your ex, about your kids, about what you need going forward?
Now what? One concrete thing you’ll do differently, or keep doing, or stop doing entirely.
This is how you turn a bad day into useful information instead of just more pain.
