What determines 99% of how the next few hours will go when your child returns from your ex's house?

It’s your own emotional state.

I was discussing last week’s newsletter about counter-parenting with Helen, who was featured in it, and she shared this insight with me. As a mother with a narcissistic ex who deliberately undermines her parenting, she says it’s the most important parenting principle she’s learned.

As Helen explained: "If their nervous system senses that we’re in fight or flight, it's game over because that's exactly where their nervous system goes." This is especially true for children who have to tiptoe through the emotional minefield of being with a narcissistic parent.

Your child's emotional radar is heightened after time with a narcissistic parent

Children of narcissistic parents develop an extraordinarily sensitive emotional radar system. They've had to attune to subtle mood shifts and unpredictable emotional environments to stay safe with their narcissistic parent.

After time with a narcissistic ex, your child's survival system is on high alert, scanning for:

That’s why well-meaning suggestions to "just act normal when they get back" or "don't let them see you're upset about what happened at Dad's/Mom's house" actually backfire spectacularly. As Helen pointed out, "Parents can't fake being OK. Your kid's nervous system senses it, but can't make sense of it. So they feel unsafe."

When a child's system detects your stress, your anxiety about what happened at the other house, or your anger at your ex, but sees you acting like everything's fine, it creates cognitive dissonance. This mismatch between what they sense and what you're showing makes them even more anxious than if you were openly processing your feelings in an age-appropriate way.

What happens in your child's brain after time with a narcissistic parent

This explains why if you try to enforce rules right away, ask about what happened at the other house, or correct behaviors they’ve learned from your ex, you’ll likely face meltdowns, defiance, or emotional shutdown. The part of their brain that needs to be active to process these complex situations has gone temporarily MIA.

That’s why, as I wrote in last week’s newsletter, it’s crucial to connect before you correct. But first you have to make sure that your nervous system is able play along instead of subconsciously escalating their anxiety.

Practical ways to co-regulate after time with a narcissistic ex

Here are five strategies that have a potent effect during transitions from a narcissistic parent's home:

1. Manage your own triggers about your ex first

Before pickup or when your child returns:

Kelly, who co-parents with a highly manipulative ex, created a simple ritual: "I sit in my car for five minutes before pickup, journal any triggering thoughts about my ex, then physically tear out the page and put it in my glove compartment. This helps me 'compartmentalize' my feelings about my ex so I can be fully present for my daughter."

2. Create powerful transition rituals

Transitions between homes are your key co-regulation opportunities.

3. Match, then lead (especially when your child returns agitated)

When your child returns dysregulated:

That’s why sitting quietly next to a child who's having a post-transition meltdown works better than either enforcing immediate rules or trying to find out what happened at your ex's house. I’ll elaborate more on this, and how you can match their energy level appropriately, in next week’s newsletter.

4. Use your physical presence to counteract emotional manipulation

Your authentic, regulated physical presence is the antidote to narcissistic influence:

5. Build a special co-regulation vocabulary for transition times

Having shared language makes co-regulation explicit when returning from your ex:

Co-regulation isn’t "giving in" to your ex's parenting

Parents with narcissistic exes often worry that focusing on connection before correction after transitions means surrendering to their ex's influence. You might think: "If I don't immediately enforce my rules when they return, I'm letting my ex win", or "I have to undo the damage right away."

Actually, the opposite is true.

Children returning from narcissistic parents often arrive dysregulated, regardless of whether your ex is:

In all these scenarios, your child returns with their nervous system in a state of hypervigilance or collapse. Their behavior might look like any of this:

Enforcing your rules right away, no matter how justified and necessary they are, without first addressing their dysregulated state, can:

By focusing on co-regulation first:

Alexandra, who shares custody with an ex who undermines all her rules, emphasizes: "I used to panic about immediately getting my kids back on my schedule and sticking to my rules the minute they walked in the door from their dad's house. We'd have terrible fights, and they'd end up comparing me unfavorably to their 'fun' dad. Now I focus on connection for the first few hours, then gently transition back to our household expectations. Ironically, by me not fighting about the rules immediately, my children actually follow them much better once they're regulated."

The truth is, your ex is likely hoping the transitions will be fraught with conflict. By maintaining your regulated presence and prioritizing connection, you're actually countering your ex’s influence more effectively than any argument could.

The long-term benefits of co-regulation with a child exposed to narcissistic parenting

Consistent co-regulation doesn't just make transitions easier. It builds protective factors in your child's brain that can help buffer the effects of exposure to narcissistic parenting:

These benefits go far beyond childhood and transitions. The co-regulation patterns you’re establishing right now can help counteract the harmful relationship templates your child might otherwise internalize from their narcissistic parent.

Clients with young children and a coercively controlling ex often tell me, “I’m terrified of what’s going to happen to my kid because they have to spend time with this person.” But there’s hope here. Children with one secure attachment to a regulated adult can become incredibly resilient, even when they’re exposed to significant adversity from another parent.

Your regulated presence is quite literally building your child's psychological immune system.

Ready to transform how your children transition?

Is your child's behavior after visiting your ex causing stress for both of you? Post-transition meltdowns don't have to define your relationship or your home environment.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

With 93% of child sexual predators being someone known to the victim, this is information every protective parent needs.

For those of us dealing with post-separation abuse and working to create safe, regulated environments for our children, understanding predatory behavior is an essential protection skill. Dr. Christine Marie Cocchiola's 1-hour webinar "The Stranger You Know" offers critical insights into how abusers operate and groom children.

As I described in this newsletter, children returning from a narcissistic parent often have heightened emotional radar systems and are particularly vulnerable. What makes this webinar especially valuable is that Dr. Cocchiola explores how the same manipulation tactics used by coercive controllers are employed by predators targeting children.

Whether you're managing difficult transitions between homes or just working to strengthen your child's psychological immune system, this webinar gives you knowledge that could help you identify warning signs and protect your family from "the unthinkable."

The event is scheduled for April (Sexual Assault Awareness Month) and runs for just one hour. It’s a small time investment for information that could make a profound difference in your child's safety (BTW, I am not associated with Dr. Cocchiola in any way.)

Register for "The Stranger You Know" →

Let me know what you think about the content of this week’s newsletter, by clicking on “Reply.” Next week I’ll be dealing with some of the more challenging aspects of co-regulating and I’d love to hear your questions, so I can incorporate them too.