🦚 How to handle a smear campaign

A friend of mine with a narcissist ex once commented, “It’s like they’re all cloned from the same asshole.”

Yes, It’s ironic really, that a person who’s convinced they’re so unique and special is actually just a copy/paste of every other narcissist in the world.

Okay, no one is a carbon copy of anyone else. But where it really matters, if your ex is really a narcissist, you can be sure that they’ll follow the same predictable playbook: gaslighting, smear campaigns, and manipulation (for a start).

It's like they all have the same twisted instruction manual, and you’re the unfortunate co-star in their repetitive, self-serving drama.

If you’ve left a narcissist and you haven’t experienced a smear campaign…

…consider yourself incredibly lucky. Smear campaigns are an essential part of the narcissist’s playbook. It’s their go-to move when they feel that control slipping away—because nothing terrifies a narcissist more than looking bad.

They’ll start twisting the truth faster than you can say “projection,” painting you as the villain in their carefully crafted sob story. Friends, family, even the dog walker—they’ll all get an earful about how you were the problem all along.

The worst part? It hits like a freight train even if you know it’s coming. That’s where understanding the concept of the "Liar’s Dividend" comes in handy. This is a term coined by two legal academics specifically about deep fakes, but it underscores a counter-intuitive truth about dealing with a narcissist: every time you try to defend yourself, you might just be giving them more ammunition.

Here’s a definition of the liar’s dividend, according to Wiktionary:

The liar’s dividend is basically a narcissist’s best friend. When they spread those lies, and you try to defend yourself, it only fuels the fire. Suddenly, your efforts to set the record straight look like you’re overreacting—or worse, hiding something. It’s like quicksand: the more you struggle, the deeper you sink.

What’s more, by engaging with their lies, you legitimize these lies. You’re giving them a cloak of credibility.

But here’s the good news: understanding the liar’s dividend means you can start playing a different game. You don’t have to engage in every battle they pick. Instead, you can focus on smart, strategic moves that put you back in control:

Don’t take the bait 🎣

Stop getting sucked into their drama. Every time you jump to defend yourself, you give them more material. Stay calm, stay factual, and don’t let them see you sweat. Use one of these responses to set a boundary and refute their lies without giving them credence.

Keep the receipts 🧾

Document EVERYTHING. Every email, every text—save it all. When it’s time to show what’s what, you’ll have facts on your side, not just empty words.

Get your legal team ready 💼

Work with your attorney to prepare for the narcissist’s tactics. Stick to the facts, stay calm, and let your evidence do the talking. Do a SWOT analysis of your ex to prepare for strategy sessions with your attorney.

Stay focused on what matters 🎯

You don’t need to win every little skirmish. Keep your eyes on the prize—whether it’s the well-being of your kids, your peace of mind, or just getting through this with your sanity intact.

Surround yourself with your A-Team 🤗

Keep a strong support network of friends, family, and professionals who get what you're going through. They’ll keep you grounded when the narcissist tries to shake things up.

Boundaries are your BFF 🚧

Limit communication to what’s absolutely necessary and keep it in writing. No verbal sparring matches—let them twist words when they have to type them out.

The bottom line:

Don’t let your narcissist ex turn your life into their personal reality show. The liar’s dividend only works if you let it.

And for extra help:

Don’t forget that my guide to using ChatGPT to communicate with your narcissist ex is available for download. Just as a reminder, here’s what you get when you download it.

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Are you divorcing someone who's making the process as difficult as possible? Are they sending you nasty emails, falsifying the truth, putting your children in the middle, abusing you, or abusing the system? Are they "persuasive blamers", manipulating and fooling court personnel to get them on their side? If so, you need this book.

Splitting is an essential legal and psychological guide for anyone divorcing a persuasive blamer: someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and/or antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). This second edition includes new information about antisocial personalities; expanded information about domestic violence, child abuse, alienation, and false allegations; how to approach protective orders and deal with child custody disputes; and a new chapter on how to successfully present your case to decision makers.

Turn to this guide to help you:

• Predict what your spouse may do or say in court

• Take control of your case with assertiveness and strategic thinking

• Choose a lawyer who understands your case

• Learn how emails and social networking can be used against you

On a personal note:

Things have been a bit fraught here after our basement was flooded by sewage backwater nearly two weeks ago when storm Debby dumped 223 mm of rain on our town in one day. We’ve been cutting out walls and pulling up floors since then, and three of my children, who have their bedrooms in the basement, are sleeping on couches upstairs or kipping at friends’ places.

Life has been turned upside down, but there are two things that I’ve managed to stick to: flossing and writing this newsletter. The first because it’s so ingrained now and the second because I love doing it. It grounds me, takes me out of myself, and makes me feel like I’m doing something good for the world.

I hope you enjoy reading this newsletter as much as I love writing it. 💕

P.S. When I was deciding on my logo, I decided to use a peacock because it symbolized how I want to help victims of post-separation abuse flourish, live the most beautiful lives, and be their best selves. From now on, I’m putting this little guy in my subject line, so you can always identify my newsletter emails in your inbox. 🦚