These are probably the harshest, most shocking words I’ve ever heard since I left my own marriage nearly 14 years ago. And they didn’t come from some callous lawyer trying to slap me back to reality. They’re the words of Dr. Christine Cocchiola, a renowned expert on what she calls “malicious fracturing of attachment”, who has walked this path herself. She said them, just last week, in a webinar.

Dr. Christine’s statement made it all the more clear to me how crucial strategies like co-regulation and managing your triggers about your ex are.

Our children desperately need stability when their world is turned upside down by their coercively controlling parent. The more challenging their behavior is, the more strategies we need to deploy to convey that sense of strength and give them stability in those transition periods, and the more we need to control our own triggers and responses.

In last week's newsletter, we explored how your emotional state is what makes the difference when your child returns from your ex. Now, let’s look at specific strategies for different challenging behaviors you might encounter.

Co-regulation strategies specifically for difficult transition behaviors

When your child returns angry or defiant

This often happens when:

How to co-regulate in this situation:

When your child returns shut down or withdrawn

This often happens when:

How to co-regulate in this situation:

When your child returns overstimulated or hyperactive

This often happens when:

How to co-regulate in this situation:

Olivia, whose ex lets her child have unlimited screen time to be the "fun parent," shares:

Olivia starts out by matching her son’s energy level and then gradually calms him down through co-regulation. You can do this too.

How to match a child's energy level through your presence

When a child comes from a narcissistic parent's home in an agitated state, matching their energy level (not their behavior) is a subtle but powerful intervention. Here's what this might look like in practice:

Physical presence

Emotional attunement

What matching is NOT

The idea is to communicate non-verbally: "I see you, I can handle your big feelings, and I'm right here with you." This gives them a sense that you understand them. It’s the foundation for guiding them toward regulation.

Once you've successfully matched their energy and established connection, you can gradually start calming them down with your own regulated presence.

Repairing when your ex's influence triggers your own dysregulation

Nobody’s perfect, and there will be times when your ex's actions or your child's post-visit behaviors trigger you into a dysregulated state. When you’re co-parenting with a coercive controller, these triggers can be especially powerful. When this happens:

These repair moments are actually your biggest teaching opportunities to counter your ex’s influence. You’re not showing weakness here. You’re showing up as the stronger parent.

You’re modeling how a strong, emotionally healthy person recognizes triggers, takes responsibility for their reactions, and repairs relationships. Your child is seeing skills they likely never see at your ex's house.

Narcissistic parents rarely apologize, admit mistakes, or acknowledge their own emotional states. When you do these things, you're providing a powerful counterbalance to their influence.

Jamie, whose ex constantly tells their children that Jamie is "too emotional," shares:

Your most powerful tool against narcissistic influence is free

When you’re co-parenting with a narcissist, you might be tempted to try complex counter-strategies, legal maneuvers, or elaborate ways to undo your ex's influence. But the simplest, most powerful tool against narcissistic influence isn't found in any parenting book, co-parenting app, or court order. It's your regulated presence.

When you prioritize managing your own emotional state, especially during transitions, you're giving your child the ultimate gift. A secure attachment that says "No matter how chaotic it is elsewhere, you're safe with me."

This doesn't mean you need to be perfectly calm all the time when you’re dealing with your child’s challenging behaviors (an impossible standard). It means becoming aware of your triggers and understanding how your reactions impact your child. This awareness alone can transform your approach.

As Helen so wisely put it:

The next time your child returns from your ex's house, whether they come back defiant, withdrawn, or overstimulated, pause for a moment and check in with yourself before you engage. The emotional state you bring to that reunion is your most powerful tool against a coercive controller’s influence on your child.

Your regulated presence does more than just help your child transition more smoothly. It gives your child the secure attachment that protects them most strongly against the harmful effects of narcissistic parenting.

Ready to transform how your children transition between homes?

Is your child's behavior after visiting your ex causing stress for both of you? Those post-transition meltdowns don't have to define your relationship or your home environment. Book a free 30-minute discovery session with me to see how coaching can help you get there.

During our free 30-minute discovery session, we'll identify your specific transition challenges, define the outcomes you want to create and explore how I can help you get there.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

If you're struggling to understand the complex dynamics of coercive control and how it affects your children, I recommend Dr. Christine Cocchiola's "Perfect Prey" podcast. As an expert on family estrangement and coercive control, Dr. Cocchiola explores why children sometimes align with abusive parents and how protective parents can navigate these painful situations.

Each episode explores the psychology of estrangement, featuring powerful conversations with survivors, experts like Dr. Lisa Fontes, and advocates like Tina Swithin from One Mom's Battle. You'll hear stories that might mirror your own experience—like Caitlin, who recognized generational patterns of coercive control, or David Weeks, who survived decades of abuse and trafficking.

What makes this podcast especially valuable is how Dr. Cocchiola translates complex psychological concepts into practical, understandable terms. She doesn't just explain what happens when children are manipulated by abusers; she offers insight into why it happens and what you can do about it.