🚀 Want to make headway against your abusive ex?

One of the biggest shocks of my own divorce happened two years into the process, when I got extortionate messages on Facebook from a woman I didn’t know. They contained intimate photos of me, taken by my husband before I left him.

How I knew this person hadn’t hacked into his computer and stolen them? They were the three pictures I hated the most—and he knew it.

Later on, I started searching the internet and found that he had profiles on “adult” websites with these and other photos of me. He’d uploaded them to these profiles a month after I’d left him.

Unfortunately, revenge porn wasn’t a crime yet in Canada, and all I could do was sue him. I couldn’t afford a lawyer for this, so I went to the small claims court, where I could sue him for up to $15,000.

The court clerk’s face was emotionless as he leafed through the application I’d just slid under the window. I knew, from my reading of small claims cases (my favorite form of non-fiction for months) that he’d seen a lot. But he’d never seen this.

Finally, he looked up at me.

“You’re a very brave woman!” he said.

I didn’t feel brave.

I was terrified. I’d been mulling this move for months. I knew it would probably make my ex do something even more vindictive. I knew I was taking a huge risk. After all, I was threatening his reputation with this lawsuit.

And it did set him off. My win at the small claims court was the reason he refused to allow our younger sons to stay in Canada after he left the country. But that had a happy ending, as you can read in last week’s newsletter.

Not taking him to court about the pictures seemed like a safer choice, but that had risks, too.

Doing nothing would just encourage him to keep pushing my boundaries and controlling my life through fear and intimidation. Staying silent might have seemed less confrontational, but it would just have given him more power.

By confronting him head-on, even though I felt absolutely terrified, I reclaimed some of my power.

This wasn't just about the photos—he was using them as a tool to manipulate and dominate me. So, I sent him a clear statement that I wasn’t going to let myself be victimized and controlled or let fear dictate my actions anymore.

Are you looking for a zero-risk solution in your high-conflict divorce or custody battle?

I hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t exist.

As I was editing this newsletter and getting it ready to send, I read these words in my own inbox. The message is spot on.

Aiming for zero risk just sets you up for failure.

It’s like taking shelter from a storm in a paper house—it might offer comfort, but it won’t hold up when the weather turns.

So, let’s talk about embracing the reality of risk—and how you can handle it like a boss.

A high-conflict divorce, separation, or custody battle can make you feel like you're constantly stumbling on uncertain terrain. It's natural to crave a clear, safe path through this turmoil—something stable and predictable. But when you leave an abuser, the idea of a completely risk-free path is more of an illusion than a reality.

When you feel scared, look at it this way: embracing this uncertainty can become a powerful catalyst for growth and change. Yes, stepping into the unknown is daunting, but it’s also where you find new strengths and resilience.

Remember, you're not alone in feeling this way—so many of us have walked this path before you, feeling just as lost, and we’ve found our way through. So, don’t consider this just a challenge but an opportunity—an opportunity to transform and rebuild and become stronger and more determined.

Arm yourself with information

Consult with your legal team, talk to therapists, and plug into support groups. When you chart the waters, you can navigate them much more effectively. You're the captain of this ship—steer it wisely. Too many people I coach are initially terrified to take risks, and their fear is often based on incorrect assumptions. So, find out everything, and not just from one source.

Weigh your options

What’s riskier? Staying stuck in the status quo or making a bold move that might just turn the tide? Weigh up your options not just for their risks but also for their potential to improve your life and your children's lives.

Lean on your crew

You’re not alone, even though it might feel like it. Build a support network that rocks—friends, family, counselors, coaches—who stand by you when the going gets tough and the tough need to get going. Me doing that is the reason you're reading this newsletter today.

I found my crew—a couple of friends going through the same thing as me—and started a private Facebook group that grew into a support group for women in my area. My need to help them led to me obtaining not one but two divorce certifications and starting this newsletter to disseminate the awesome stuff I was learning about.

I drew strength from them when I was hit by fear and doubt in my high-conflict divorce. Not just them, but my partner, my family, and even random people like the clerk at the small claims court gave me the strength to carry on.

Look ahead

Focus on the future. Every decision you make should inch you closer to where you want to be. Yes, there will be risks, but with big risks come big rewards. What are you aiming for? Safety? Stability? Peace? Keep that vision clear as you navigate through this. For more on this, read my newsletter about Your Big Why.

Chasing zero risk is like waiting for a bus at a train station—it’s not going to show up.

But you know what? You’ve got what it takes to make bold moves and manage whatever risks come your way. So, lace up your boots, square your shoulders, and let’s turn those risks into stepping stones.

Want to know how I can help you?

Resources

If you need more help facing the things that make you want to run away and hide, I totally recommend this book by Dr. Luana Marques. Bold Move is Harvard-based psychotherapist Dr. Luana’s unique, tried-and-tested method for taking risks, getting you out of your rut, and giving you the courage to create a more confident and meaningful life. Dr. Luana pinpoints the anxiety at the root of avoidance and shows you how to overcome it and achieve your goals.

Dr. Luana understands anxiety. After decades of research, teaching, and clinical practice, she realized that the coping techniques she learned from her mother and grandmother while growing up in challenging circumstances in Brazil mimicked science-based CBT therapy. Now, she has synthesized that knowledge, developing a 3-step path that works for everyone—from teens in crisis to victims of post-separation abuse, and even executives experiencing burnout.

(Tip: If you listen to it on Audible, you might want to speed it up, just a teeny bit).

We’ve just started a new season, summer for most of my readers (and winter for those of you in the southern hemisphere, where I grew up). I hope this can be your season of transformation. Whether you’re reclaiming your voice, setting new boundaries, or stepping boldly towards a future that feels right for you and your children, there’s never a better time than the present.