🦚Not ready for Yellow Rock?

My lawyer sank into his creaky office chair, sagged his shoulders, and sighed.

“Try not to do that again. It’s a slippery slope when you send messages or emails like that. My advice is to write absolutely nothing.”

I’d sent a defensive message to a family member of my ex after she attacked me on Facebook. Every word I wrote was true—about my ex's allegations of affairs that never happened, about the joint account I'd used for groceries that he called “theft,” about my different parenting style that she condemned.

But my lawyer was right. I'd played right into their hands.

Looking back at that version of me now, I want to reach through time and give myself a hug. I was so reactive, so raw. Every attack sent me spiraling into defense mode. Every accusation made me desperate to explain, to justify, to make people understand my truth.

I didn't know then what I know now.

I didn’t know that engaging with abuse only feeds it. I hadn't heard of Gray Rock or Yellow Rock. Strategy? Systems? Those words weren't in my vocabulary yet.

I write a lot about strategy, systems, and self-talk—the three S's of taking back your power. But a recent conversation made me realize something crucial. When I started telling a friend about these tools, she gently pointed out: “Those are great, but they weren't what I needed in those early days after leaving. I wasn't ready for strategy when I was still struggling to feel safe.”

Her words hit home because they described my own journey to a T. Yes, I eventually found my way to strategy but I needed something more fundamental first. In the end, I was lucky.

I stumbled onto safer ground by accident.

• I had friends who stood by me when my ex and his flying monkey were painting me as the villain.

• I met someone who showed me what real love looks like and who helped me feel safe and valued instead of constantly on edge.

• I started making more money, which gave me the confidence to stand my ground.

But it was all so random, so inefficient.

I was finding my way in the dark, taking two steps forward and one step back, learning through trial and error—and sometimes through painfully public mistakes. The message my lawyer chided me about escalated into a grossly defamatory email sent by that person to every one of my contacts after my ex gained access to my account.

What if there had been a roadmap?

What if, instead of just reacting to every new attack, every Facebook comment, every threatening email, I'd understood what I really needed first?

Like my friend said, “For the early days of healing, I feel that Dan Spiegel's four S's apply so well. Victims need to feel Safe, Seen, Secure, and Soothed. Once that's in place, it opens space for strategy, systems, and monitoring self-talk.”

While Spiegel’s work focuses on child development, these four fundamental needs—feeling Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure—are exactly what we need to rebuild after escaping an abusive relationship. They're the foundation that makes strategy possible.

Think of how I could have avoided that moment in my lawyer's office if I'd had these foundations in place:

🛡️SAFE: I would have felt secure enough to ignore the Facebook drama. Just walking away and not engaging would have been setting a boundary already.

👥 SEEN: I wouldn't have needed to defend my truth to people who were determined to twist it.

🌊 SOOTHED: I could have managed my triggered response without firing off that email.

💪 SECURE: I would have trusted that my actions, not their words, were what showed my character.

Here’s what’s worked for me and my clients. These tiny steps can help build those essential foundations that Daniel Siegel identified: feeling Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure.

If you're feeling completely overwhelmed right now, try just one of these:

Before you can work on strategy, you need to build the foundation that makes strategic responses possible.

As these small wins accumulate for you, they create ripple effects. When you feel slightly safer, you can think more clearly. When you feel seen, you're less likely to defend yourself against every accusation. When you're soothed, you can pause before reacting. When you feel secure, you can start implementing strategy.

✨That's when your self-talk becomes your ally instead of your enemy.

✨That's when you can build robust documentation systems.

✨That's when you can craft strategic responses instead of reactive ones.

But it all starts with one small action. One tiny step toward feeling safer, or seen, or soothed, or secure.

*Just a word of caution about support groups. Try to find groups that make you feel empowered and motivated. Too many groups are a morass of constant negativity that feeds off itself and does the opposite of empowering the members. Yes, the family courts suck. I’ve written about that here and here, and here. But there are smart ways to deal with them, and I’ve seen situations turn around when the victims start playing it smart. If you start your own online group, make space for positive stories, and pin them where your members can see them.

Want to know how I can help you?

Hey, I totally get it—building a foundation for healing and strength can be tough. I've been through it myself, and I know how tricky it is to find that perfect balance between feeling safe and being smart. But here's the good news: you don't have to figure it out alone. Let's connect and explore how we can work together to create your own path from survival to empowerment.

Book a free 30-minute discovery session with me, and we’ll get started. During our session, we'll discuss where you are right now on your journey and find the exact support you need, whether that's taking those first tiny steps towards setting boundaries or developing more advanced strategies for dealing with your ex.

And if you want to find out more about what I do…

Resources

Daniel Siegel's "Refrigerator Sheet" outlines his simple framework for parent-child relationships. It also describes how our own inner child needs to feel Safe, Seen, Soothed, and Secure as we heal from trauma and abuse.

While this was written for parents dealing with children, it’s exactly what we need as adults rebuilding our lives after abuse. When we're feeling overwhelmed by all the "shoulds" of divorce and custody battles, sometimes we just need to go back to basics. Take a look at this sheet and notice how it resonates with your own journey.