“Granny, when we get to Daddy’s, please duck down, and stay down so he doesn’t see you!”

My mom, who lived overseas, was visiting me. We were driving to drop off the kids for their weekend at their dad’s when my son made this anguished plea. My mom’s face was shocked, but she did what he asked. His fear was palpable in his voice and on his face. He knew that if his dad spotted my mother, whom he (wrongly) blamed for me leaving him, he and his younger brother would spend the whole weekend being verbally abused, interrogated, and berated.

Sometimes you notice it gradually at first.

The way your daughter whispers and then abruptly hangs up when she calls you from her other parent’s place. The way your son loses it if he can’t find the sweater his dad (the same dad whose house is a Bermuda Triangle of missing items from your place) insists on him taking back there, explaining, "Dad says I must bring it back."

Then one day, it hits you with full force. You're watching your child hunt for the missing item because "daddy wants me to bring it," and rage wells up inside you. This isn't normal childhood behavior. This is your child learning to manage an adult's emotions.

This is your child walking on eggshells.

In my last newsletter, I quoted a mother who said,

Her words capture what so many protective parents feel—that helpless fury watching your children become hypervigilant about their other parent's moods and reactions.

The invisible emotional labor of children

Children are incredibly adaptable. When they have to deal with a parent whose emotions are unpredictable, controlling, or volatile, they quickly learn to become emotional weathervanes, constantly scanning the environment for signs of brewing storms.

Kids can adapt in several ways:

The psychological term for this is "parentification." It happens when children take on the emotional labor that should be their parent’s responsibility. Research shows that over time, this pattern can lead to anxiety, depression, people-pleasing behaviors, difficulty setting boundaries, and challenges with healthy relationships later in life.

I remember doing this as a child myself. For instance, I’d keep my tests and assignments where I had good grades and show them to my dad when I needed something from him, or when he needed pacifying. It trained me to become an Olympic-level people pleaser and laid the groundwork for relationship after relationship with abusive, exploitative men.

Unfortunately, knowing the psychological implications doesn't make it any easier to help when you see your own child shoulder this invisible burden.

When walking on eggshells becomes second nature

A fellow survivor of parentification told me:

That's the insidious nature of walking on eggshells. It becomes so automatic that children often don't notice they're doing it. They internalize the belief that keeping the peace is their responsibility and that they have the power (and the duty) to prevent their parents’ outbursts.

What makes this especially challenging for protective parents is that the courts rarely acknowledge this form of emotional harm. While physical abuse leaves visible marks, the psychological impact of living with an emotionally volatile parent is often swept under the rug in custody decisions.

In fact, the courts often encourage parentification. I’ve had clients who were told things like “The children need to learn to get on with their dad” by evaluators and even judges. I’m sure that several of you can relate to this experience. Enabling of parentification is also rampant in the field of social work and child protection. In a recent Instagram post, Dr. Christine Cocchiola talked about a student doing her Masters in Social work who had the following experience:

What you can do to help your children

As the stable parent, you play a crucial role in helping your children understand and deal with this difficult dynamic. Here are concrete strategies that can make a difference, especially when you feel unsupported by the professionals who are supposed to protect your kids:

Create a true emotional safe haven

Your home needs to be the place where your children don't have to walk on eggshells. I’ve said it before in other newsletters and I can’t say it often enough. Your relationship with your child is key. This means:

Help your children name the pattern

Without criticizing their other parent directly, help your children understand that they're not responsible for managing adults' emotions. Use age-appropriate language:

For younger children (5-8): "Sometimes grown-ups have big feelings, but those feelings belong to the grown-up, not to you. You don't have to fix anyone else's feelings."

For older children (9-12): "Have you noticed you're trying really hard to make sure Dad doesn't get upset? I want you to know that his feelings are his responsibility, not yours. Your job is just to be a kid."

For teens: "I've noticed you seem to spend a lot of energy trying to keep your dad from getting angry. I want you to know that's not your responsibility, even though it might feel like it is."

Teach emotional boundaries

Children who walk on eggshells need to learn that they can care about someone without being responsible for that person's emotions. This is a complex concept that takes time to understand.

You can model this by verbalizing your own emotional boundaries: "I care about your feelings, but I can't control them. I can listen and support you, but only you can decide how you feel."

When your child says things like "I made Dad mad," gently reframe it: "Dad chose to feel mad. You didn't make him feel anything."

Document the pattern (but don't obsess over it)

Keep a simple record of instances when you notice your child displaying eggshell-walking behaviors. Note what happened before, during, and afterwards. This documentation can be valuable if you need to consult with a therapist or, in some cases, if custody issues arise.

Just be careful not to become hypervigilant yourself about documenting every instance. Finding the balance between awareness and obsession is essential for your own mental health. Also, don’t let your children become aware that you’re documenting this.

Consider professional support

Children who regularly walk on eggshells often benefit from having a neutral space to process their experiences. A child therapist who specializes in family dynamics can help your child:

When you look for a therapist, try to find someone who understands the dynamics of post-separation abuse and emotional control, as not all therapists are equipped to handle these specific challenges. It’s very possible that your ex will try to block therapy for your child. I know that getting therapy for your child is easier said than done, but by exploring every option your jurisdiction offers, you might come up with the help your child needs.

One day at a time

The reality of co-parenting with someone who makes your kids walk on eggshells is that you can’t control what happens during their parenting time. This limitation can feel excruciating, especially when you see the psychological impact on your children.

What you can control is how you respond to the situation and the environment you create during your own parenting time.

One mother told me:

Over time, the contrast between environments often becomes clear to children. The parent who demands emotional caretaking gradually loses authentic connection with their child, while the parent who offers proper emotional safety, and also demonstrates strength and resiliency, builds deeper trust.

It takes incredible patience, consistency, and resilience to support children through this experience. But by helping them understand these dynamics now, you're giving them the tools to break the cycle in their own relationships later. Unlike me and so many other children who had to manage a parent’s feelings, they’ll have a good foundation to start from.

Remember that your steady presence is what will ultimately help your children develop emotional resilience in the face of these challenges.

What strategies have you found helpful?

Have you noticed your children walking on eggshells? What approaches have worked in your family to help them understand they're not responsible for managing adult emotions? I'd love to hear your experiences.

Book a free 30-minute discovery session with me, where you'll have the chance to:

• Share the specific challenges you're facing with your narcissistic ex

• Gain clarity on the outcomes you truly want for yourself and your children

• Identify the obstacles that have been preventing you from parenting with confidence

• Discover how my coaching approach can specifically help you in your unique situation

Even if we decide not to work together, you'll walk away with greater clarity and direction than when you started. This conversation alone can be the first step toward taking charge of your relationship with your child instead of having your ex pull everyone’s strings.

Want to know more about what I do?

Resources

One of the moms I help asked recently about books that help children navigate the emotions of divorce, especially those that provide support when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent. My response was that, aside from specific books on divorce, ones that help kids name their feelings, learn empathy, understand boundaries, and develop resilience and self-insight, while being entertaining and enjoyable, are all good books.

Quality is important, too. If the book isn’t engaging and entertaining, it’s not going to be helpful. In that vein, here are a couple of books that are helpful for children who have to walk on eggshells with an emotionally abusive parent.

"The Mixed-Up Chameleon" by Eric Carle: A Colorful Lesson in Being Yourself

Ever watched your child try to shape-shift to please their volatile parent? Eric Carle's vibrant masterpiece The Mixed-Up Chameleon speaks directly to this painful reality, but with such delightful whimsy that healing happens through laughter.

This board book tells the story of a chameleon who wants to be like everyone else. He takes on parts of different animals until he becomes so mixed-up he can't function. Sound familiar? For children constantly adjusting themselves to manage their other parent's emotions, this chameleon's journey hits startlingly close to home.

What makes this book extraordinary for children walking on eggshells is the magnificent "aha" moment when the chameleon realizes that being himself is not just enough, it's actually perfect.

Carle's signature collage illustrations make this lesson in authenticity irresistible. The book becomes a safe way to open conversations about how exhausting it is to constantly change yourself to please others, without directly criticizing anyone.

Keep this book in your emotional first-aid kit. It's the perfect antidote for those days when your child comes home emotionally drained from trying to be everything for everyone. Sometimes the most powerful healing comes through stories that make us smile while quietly revolutionizing how we see ourselves.

If you’ve got children who've learned to suppress their emotions to avoid "setting off" the other parent, the Mindful Monsters Therapeutic Workbook is a lifesaver.

What makes this workbook stand out is how it transforms overwhelming feelings from threats into colorful, manageable companions. Through Ellen Surrey's engaging illustrations and thoughtfully designed exercises, children find out that all their emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, are valuable messengers, not dangers to be hidden.

Keep this workbook handy for transition days when emotions run high but words often fail. For children caught in the exhausting cycle of emotional caretaking, these pages offer more than activities. They give your child permission to feel all their feelings.