🦚 A driving lesson from my daughter...

I was in Ireland earlier this year. For the first time in 14 years, I had to drive on the left. It’s not a massive deal for me because I learned to drive on that side and I switched back and forth several times when I lived in Germany and Italy and vacationed in the UK and Ireland. That still doesn’t mean it was easy. Irish country roads can be narrow, with people driving at North American freeway speeds, and it was sometimes unnerving.

My daughter was with me. One thing that daughters are very good at is pointing out to their mothers every little thing they do wrong and telling them how to do it right. I’m guilty of that myself. My mom is with us for the holidays, and yesterday, my partner gently chided my chronic “correctionitis”. Us daughters can’t help it.

So, true to form, my daughter said, “Mom, you’re driving too close to the left.”
“I know, darling,” I said, gripping the steering wheel even tighter and trying to stop grinding my jaw.
She pushed on. “The problem is, you’re focusing on the center line right in front of you. If you look far ahead, you’ll stay more in the middle of the lane.”

She was right, of course, in the way that daughters always are. I rolled my eyes, swallowed my pride, and started focusing further ahead in the road. And my driving improved right away.

I’ve been thinking of that moment a lot since then. It’s come back to me every time this year I find myself too much in the weeds and it’s helped me remember how shifting focus can change everything. My natural inclination is to fixate on what’s right in front of me and get bogged down, without looking at the big picture.

I don’t think I’m alone here. And when you’re in a high-conflict divorce or custody battle with a coercive controller, It’s an incredibly unhelpful attitude. It’s bad enough that your ex is actively working to create constant chaos and instability for you. It’s easy to get caught up in the day-in-day-out skirmishes that inevitably happen. Everything feels like it’s a five-alarm fire and your outrage is dialed up to 11 all the time.

Just like me on those Irish country roads, keeping your gaze too close makes you veer off course. Being consumed by the immediate conflicts and manipulations can keep you trapped in the cycle of abuse. So, listen to my daughter. Take time out, lift your gaze, and keep your sights on your broader goals, whether that’s peace, stability, independence, or all of the above.

When you focus on where you want to be, rather than where you are, you’ll find it easier to stay centered. You can facilitate this by focusing on your personal growth, healing, and the positive changes you want to manifest in your life. A constant focus on the negative puts the brakes on your progress and keeps you stuck in reactionary mode.

I was trying so hard to control where I was sitting in the lane while I was driving, that I ended up making the drive more difficult and stressful than it needed to be. When you’re caught up in trying to manage every conflict and chaotic moment your ex generates, you can end up feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. Letting go of the urge to control every detail seems counter-intuitive, and I’m not suggesting that you ignore the conflicts and go all Pollyanna on the situation.

But if you approach them with a mindset that prioritizes your well-being and your long-term goals, you create space for more positive changes and growth in your life.

Want to know how I can help you?

If you're tired of being stuck in the weeds and want to focus on the road ahead, it's time to take action! I’m offering a free 30-minute strategy call to help you map out a plan that prioritizes your well-being and long-term goals. Whether you need to recalibrate your focus or just need a strategic co-pilot, I'm here to help you navigate through the chaos and drive towards a brighter future.

And if you want to find out more about what I do…

Resources

Jenae Spry has been my business and productivity coach for the last seven years and she’s actually the person you can thank for this newsletter because if it weren’t for her, it would probably still be a pipe dream. One of my favorite parts of her program is the 90-day planning bash we do every quarter, where we set goals for the next quarter and define how we’re going to meet them. If you want to start 2025 off on a great footing and you don’t know, here’s your chance for the great price of $7. Here’s what you get:

Need help keeping your focus on your broader goals instead of getting stuck in the mud your ex is throwing with you? My clients love Aimee Says, a GPT that specializes in helping and supporting victims of domestic violence. It’s like having my daughter in the passenger seat (minus the snarkiness and unsolicited advice, of course).

Exactly one year ago, I was frantically setting up this newsletter. It’s something I procrastinated about for months and months, and I’d finally decided that it would be ready by the end of the year, come hell or high water (well, the high water came on August 9 this year, and the hell followed it, as we demolished and then rebuilt our basement).

On January 5 this year, I sent out my first newsletter to the 18 people I’d persuaded to sign up for it. Today, 350 of you are getting newsletter number 52. Yes, 52. I’ve always struggled to be consistent, so I’m enormously proud and kind of mind-boggled that I’ve managed to write and publish one of these every week.

You, my reader, have been my number one priority for 52 weeks. Every weekday morning, before I even check my work email—I still earn most of my money as a translator, and most of my clients are in Europe while I’m in Canada, so believe me, this was hard—I spend at least half an hour writing this newsletter.

The ideas for it have flowed nonstop. Some of them come from my own experiences (like this one), some of them are inspired by my clients (and are incorporated with their permission), some of them by social media posts, some come from the amazing people around me, and some of them are inspired by movies I watch or books I read.

I’ve literally written a book (around 50,000 words) over the last year. And what’s kept me going is the positive feedback from you, my readers. Yes, there have been some who unsubscribe, and though that’s always a bummer, I understand that I and my writing aren’t the right fit for everyone. But that’s more than made up for by the enthusiastic messages and emails I get from some of you. Thank you, and keep letting me know when something resonates with you or even if something I write is triggering for you.